Trump, as is now well known, is a time traveler, fueled by his own sense of his alpha-male Self–more powerful than Dr. Who.
What happens when he spends time in early Philadelphia, and the Quakers find out what he’s been up to in their City of Brotherly Love?
Here is a composite from those records and how the earliest Quakers surely would have sized him up, with a little embellishment and humor.
Trump’s diehard supporters should stop now; it’s about to get ugly, for we have fallen far in the twenty-first century.
The Declaration of the Free Society of Traders under the authority of the Assembly against Donald Trump, present May 15, 1685, that he should be removed from Philadelphia and the Province of Pennsylvania.
For the speedy redress of diverse evils and mischiefs which this Province and Territories now labor under and for the preventing the further growth and increase of the same and to the honor and safety of the Governor Penn and government of this Province and territories, and by good and welfare of the people thereof, the Free Traders now meet and do by this their bill show and declare against Donald Trump.
1stly. The said Donald Trump, having supported Free Trade and then opposed Free Trade, do by these words contradict himself and cause confusion among our citizens; thereby civil unrest ensues because the great majority of people sees that free trade is beneficial on balance;
2ndly. The said Donald Trump assuming to himself an unlimited and arbitrary power beyond the prescription or laws of this government has presumed by his own authority to speak long and self-aggrandizing speeches in which his specific policies proposals are abrasive and unrealistic; he the said Trump comes across as angry, which he claims is “telling it like it is” and “saying out loud what everyone else is afraid to say”; but we reply, per contra, that he is really classless and tactless, with his boisterous, boastful, blustering bombast;
3rdly. The said Donald Trump, having besmirched the cause of decency, for marrying divers times and for what he calls “hanging out” with women whom he derisively and contemptuously calls “hot chicks”; for pitting the said “hot chicks” against others at “beauty contests” and requiring them to strip down to their undergarments; thus he diverts attention away from thrift and plain speech and plain appearance, according to the plain meaning of Scripture; and thus the people turn to hedonism and do not make the Province of Pennsylvania prosperous;
4thly. The said Donald Trump, blaspheming against the God of grace, for proudly saying he seeks not God’s forgiveness, thereby the said Trump does mislead the youth and ruffians and rum sellers in our city and province; but we reply he deserves no Christian support;
5thly. The said Donald Trump, using the so-called “F-word” in divers public speeches, lowers public morals and discourse and thereby does still mislead the youth in our city who now everywhere goes around using the vulgar word;
6thly. The said Donald Trump, having declared bankruptcy divers times, does deny his creditors their rightful claim on their money, which they lent in good faith; but the said Trump having given them an obscene gesture, says, “those ‘illegitimate children’ [ordered that the record be cleaned up] are not innocent babes in the woods; they knew what they were doing when they got entangled with me”; and further saith countless curses;
7thly. The said Donald Trump, having high trust lodged in him by his devoted followers, does deny their high trust by advocating for the equal distribution of revenues and outcomes by Big Government through a universal health care plan which we cannot afford, the very idea being outlandish and impolitic;
8thly. The said Donald Trump, having sworn many oaths, especially now at this trial—oaths which we Friends do not allow—says that the wives of the Councilors and Governor are all “losers” and “disasters” and “ugly,” wondering how we can fulfill our conjugal duties with them, having again used the “F-word” in this context, since they “ain’t no longer ‘perfect 10s’ and never were”; he particularly ridiculed their big hats; and thus the sheriff biffed him in his mouth, from which he does now justly bleed;
9thly. The said Donald Trump, being accused of “getting in bed” with his political opponents, all to help his Gaming Houses, which he calls by the curious Romanist term “casinos”; and which he has already set up though not being here long; and to sell rum to the Indians without our permission; and to open Ordinaries or Public Houses without our license—all to enrich himself with filthy lucre; by these actions he does lower the decent side of politics and the moral standing of this Christian community; all of which he does deny, but our sheriff has produced witness after witness who says he the said Trump tried to cajole and bribe them; and further saith not;
10thly. The said Donald Trump claims that the City of Philadelphia and City of Baltimore “suck” while New York is better; the odd, vulgar word is inappropriate, especially in light of the present difficulties between Lord Baltimore and this present Governor and the border disputes between their two Provinces; he the said Trump also pretends he could negotiate a better deal; that the said Governor Penn is a “court jester negotiator” and a “fool”; and that he the said Trump could build a giant wall between the Party of the first part, the Pennsylvanians, and the Party of the second part, the Marylanders, adding that no one could build a wall like he could; but we reply he is impolitic, not reading the times accurately, and does again lower the dignity of the office of Governor and the Council;
We the said Council, having decided on the matter, the Governor proposes what to do with Donald Trump: as many as have him exiled to his “better” New York, say yea; passed in the affirmative.
The prisoner is to be forthwith transported by ship to the muddy town of New York, which actually “sucks,” and is requested never to come back to this City of Brotherly Love again and to stay out of politics forever.
It is so ordered.
One final word by us the Governor and the Provincial Council, to future generations: we know not whether the said Donald Trump traveled from another time by witchcraft and whether he is running for the high office of the Presidency for the “united states.” But if this be true, then know by these presents that we proclaim to all future peoples of these colonies that he today is found guilty of turpitude and general coarseness and thus not worthy of our generation’s support; and we trust that he will be found wanting in his generation; and that no one should vote for him, the said Donald Trump, for the said high office.